All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
black phone good
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Put this video in the Louvre
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food