Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.