Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
“Gotta hear both sides”
All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.
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Walls are just sober floors.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.
[First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO