@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

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@Darlainky

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

@hippieswordfish

*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*

@Kyle_Lippert

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

@dafloydsta

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@just1fool

Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.

@_wangwe

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

@FunnyBison

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”