@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

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@causticbob

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

@PaulyPeligroso

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

@PJVogt

Marie Kondo opening an online shop that sells dumb crap you don’t need is my favorite heel turn of 2019.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

@KimmyMonte

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

@UncleDuke1969

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@nagunnatelya

Husband: Have you lost weight?

Me: About 10 lbs

H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink

M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…

@Roy_oh_Roy

[creating the Minotaur]

Zeus: you want a bull centaur?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: but pissed off all the time?

Pasiphae: yeah

Zeus: *thinks a while* so let’s just give it the front half of the bull.

Pasiphae: Wut?

Zeus: like a hairy Ken doll

@DJRotaryRachel

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.