All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.


*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*


Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.


GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat



Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.


Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.


Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”