All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”