Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

there has never been a better use of this meme

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Hero horse inspires millions

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.