All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter: