All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Love this one 😂🧟
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.