All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*