All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?