There’s only one good girl here!
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
asking santa clause for nudes
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
This could be us… but you playing
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.