All I’m saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.


[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker


*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”


SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share


SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig


[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.


I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?