I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
fired
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
The dark side of Canada
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night