I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
fly smarter, not harder
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Don’t snitch tag.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.