“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”
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“LeBron has cramps”… I get those every month you baby.
CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan
You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.