Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived