@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”

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@RobDenBleyker

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

@jonnysun

CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@jaboukie

media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong

@davidschneider

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

@slytherinstef

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

@notittryagain

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

@markleggett

Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.