All is fair in drunk and war.
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Just me?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you