All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
very niche meme I made
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines