All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.