All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I know this now 😂
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
won’t smith
sensitive skin
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges