“All lower case?” -your mom getting an email address

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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?


My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.


Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.


Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded


Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …


For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.


[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”


You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.


INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.


Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.