I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear