All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
So true for me
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully