All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I am never leaving this website
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call