all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
You Might Also Like
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.