@sweetmomissa

All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.

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@House_Feminist

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

@LaziestCanine

*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*

@kwirkyKerri

Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.

@Brampersandon_

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

@Try2StopME

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

@slimmy_shady

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.