All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.

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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair


*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*


Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.


GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help


Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”


My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.


I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.