All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.