Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Two types of dogs.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!