REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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1: Got burgled this week.
2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…
“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”
dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest