@prufrockluvsong

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

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@Underchilde

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have a beer

Waiter: it’s 10am

Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs

@TweetPotato314

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

@Xtina_Crawford

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

@dadmann_walking

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

@thatUPSdude

Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.

@_squiggz

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

@murrman5

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

@8WARDBOA

I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor