I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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Me: I’ll have a beer
Waiter: it’s 10am
Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.
LMAO SO TRUE
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor