All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

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• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house


Two things:

1: Got burgled this week.

2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.


Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”


Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog


Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name


i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…

“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”


dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.


A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”


me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest