All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

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I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.


Me: I’ll have a beer

Waiter: it’s 10am

Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs


[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?


6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A


My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.


Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.


robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet


yes lassie?
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad


I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor