Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
set yourself free xox
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
#math
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.