After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Okay me first
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
A tragic love story in two pictures.