@realHamOnWry
Not to brag, but my car now gets 3 months per gallon.
@DvuslyMarvelous
All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work
You Might Also Like
@realHamOnWry
@CheetoBandito77
I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
@Lisa_Laughs_
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
@radtoria
Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”
@markydoodoo
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
@MichLKosinski
Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!
@UnFitz
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
@D2_Barney_McG
I like my women like I like my coffee
Overpriced and bitter
@snack_lord
Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can
@bmarked21
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.