Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.