Not to brag, but my car now gets 3 months per gallon.
All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work
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I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I like my women like I like my coffee
Overpriced and bitter
Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.