I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
only 11 steps left
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day