Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don’t understand how weather works.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
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Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there
Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people
In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.
“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”
*Bing! Twitter notification!*
*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*
4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!
Me: Me neither!
It was a big night for both of us.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.