All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
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I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
reminder
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”