All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.