wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
[two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.