@LoveNLunchmeat

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

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@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@MoistPork

Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.

@TheAlexP

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

@Mom_Overboard

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

@Jandalize

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

@trevso_electric

One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.

@KeetPotato

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

@KimmyMonte

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.