When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….
I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.