All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The Backseat Boys
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.