All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
as is their right
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Take my advice, I’m not using it.