All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”