@ComedicBust

All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.

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@aliterative

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

@sammyrhodes

I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

@shariv67

God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.

@GrantTanaka

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

@DebraMuffin

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

@XplodingUnicorn

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

@Abusitron

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple