All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.

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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.


I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.


My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.


God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.


*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”


The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.


[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.


How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple