I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
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A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.