[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Name this drama.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Brb my Sims are getting married
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.