“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater