Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
me logging onto twitter
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.