All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

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All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.


walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane


me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?


ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits


PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.


I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.



gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*


Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon


My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.


Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.