@Ideal_Victoria

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

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@PaperFury

All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.

@flashember

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

@notviking

me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?

@desusnice

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

@AaronFullerton

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?

@CopBroughtPizza

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

@KickSumHunibuns

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

@WilliamAder

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.