All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.