@Ideal_Victoria

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

You Might Also Like

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@AlixEHarrow

our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.

today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID

@KyleMcDowell86

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

@ThugRaccoons

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

@AntozWolf

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.

@omerwahaj

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

@DearAuntAbby

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

@girlwit0filter

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.