All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy