“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Same pineapple, same
Life hack
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: