all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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mood
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
That stupid look on my face, is my face
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.