All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.