All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
this is how life feels
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
umm…
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.