All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question