All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Sign at work today
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”