All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Great game to play with friends
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??