@JennSlowpez

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

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@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@robotmouthfarts

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

@BadJordon

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

@Marlebean

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

@Smooheed

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@kellyoxford

I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)