INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?
VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
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when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite