Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Beer makes me less afraid of clowns.
In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Just teach them what you know.
“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body!! (in my basement)