@JennSlowpez

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure

@drborishabit

when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”

@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@jimmytorosian

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

@Awesome_Todd

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

@AimeeHelene1

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

@behindyourback

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

@Aikiwomannc

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

@KateWouldHaveIt

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite