All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Goodnight 🐶
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.