Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.
I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.