@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

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@XplodingUnicorn

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

@joeljeffrey

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

@MrMildSauce

Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed.

Btw, I love what you’ve done with the place.

@WilliamAder

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

@zachreinert03

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

@Contwixt

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.