All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller


Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert


This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread


Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.


Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed.

Btw, I love what you’ve done with the place.


One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.


The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now


When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.