All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
You Might Also Like
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The news in a nutshell.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy