@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

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@StephenAtHome

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

@cuntbucketOG

Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.

@sarcasticmommy4

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

@HomeProbably

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

@DaHess1

I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.

@RBColl

I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?

@IndecisiveJones

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@thelateinnings

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

@SergioValenCo

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.