All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana