All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
#JohnTravolta
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.