@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

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@Glove_Monkey

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

@ByrdMan0914

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

@simonblackwell

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

@Marlebean

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

@Laser_Cat

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

@UncleDuke1969

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

@HLFHM

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?