All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.


My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.


At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.


“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’


You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.


Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)


When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power



WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?