@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

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@kimtopher22

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

@BeardedRambles

Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@NotKevinSheedy

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

@CindyMeakin

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

@kelkulus

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

@audipenny

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip