All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I hope they boil the right one.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”